My Charley Girl
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Carepages
Just want to let anyone new to Charlotte's page know that you can read our entire story from the beginning at http://www.carepages.com/carepages/CharlotteSmith. Someday I intend on transferring all of my early updates on her care, and my dealing with all of this over to this blog but who knows when I'll have time for that;)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
June 7th, 2011
I am still not sure what to write today, or how to feel, or what to think and it's been two weeks since Charlotte's clinic visit with Dr. L'ecuyer. I'm sorry I haven't written to update all of you but I have been crazy busy. I only have one class this semester but it is a condensed chemistry class and between two days of labs (and lab homework), three days of lectures, quizzes, exams, and homework on top of the kids end of the school year festivities I have been non-stop playing catch up.
I have been trying to figure out how many appointments we've had for Charlotte but can't come up with an exact number. It definitely is around the ballpark of 25-30 appts in the two years since her diagnosis, not a lot compared to many of her heart friends but still enough that continuously hoping for improvement and getting none, starts to weigh on a parent. After 6 months to a year of no improvement we were told not to hope for any, so we prepared our minds to hear the words "no change" at each appointment and tried to force our hearts to feel good about it, because we know the words "she's declined" can come just as easily so we take "no change" and run with it. In truth no matter how prepared we are to hear that Charlotte has had "no change" in her heart function, it is relatively impossible to actually "not hope":)
I am getting better and better at holding off my nerves before appointments. The first year and a half I started obsessing and getting my nerves on edge about a month beforehand. Two Mondays ago, whether it is just experience, or the fact that I'm tearing my hair out busy and don't have time to think, I never really felt nervous. For some reason my stomach always knows what I may not be thinking and I get sick feeling about half way through my drive to the hospital. This time, I was more concerned with how she'd act than what they would find as getting tests done on a particularly feisty toddler is becoming more challenging. She was a nightmare during her previous echo, and then with the hospital stay in March I was on the prowl for new strategies to calm her down, or explain the procedure better. Our child life specialist has had ZERO success in making friends with Charlotte, when she came into the room with a doll during the March hospital stay Charlotte would just tell her to "go home", lol, and not in a nice tone of voice.
My new strategy was turning some of the experience over to her so I didn't carry into the office like I normally do but instead let her walk in by herself with my following behind. Without my "making her do it" I thought it might help to ease her into it herself, and she was fabulous when the nurse instructed her for her height, weight and even her blood pressure which she normally cries through. When we went into the EKG room she got a worried look, started to back out and said "go home now Momma?" I just said we couldn't go home but that I could hold her, I explained it was the sticker test, the tech gave her a toy and boom, she sat down on the table and was a champ. Thankfully, putting the stickers(leads) and wires on and off is the longest part of the test.
Next was the exam room, the NP and a new cardiology fellow came in and did their examinations, she was very talkative and friendly to them. When they told me it was time for her echo my stomach dropped because I was DREADING this. Jason wasn't with me to help occupy her, so I was going this one alone:( However she sat on the bed herself without my holding her on my chest, and besides freaking out a few brief times she allowed the tech to get all of her pictures (up until the arch anyway, then she lost it). Dr. L'ecuyer came in and told the tech he had been watching and thought she was good on the pictures so Charlotte was relieved to be done:) I am so proud of her, I know echo days will continue to be sketchy and I'm sure her moods will vary from appointment to appointment but "yeah for Charley" on this one.
So then came our chat with Dr. L'ecuyer, I was eager to hear what he had to say because the way he sounded when he told the tech that she could finish up and he'd seen enough had a different tone than usual. So we sat down and he said that he was confident in reporting that it seemed her shortening fraction had improved a little. It had been roughly 8-9% over the last two years and today seemed better. Then he waited and took a few seconds pause as I said dumbfounded "wait so you're saying her shortening fraction improved slightly?" "What is it now?" And he said that it was around 15% which brought her from the severe category to moderate. I then said "wait?? Her shortening fraction right?" And he continued to answer the same question at least three more times as I was in shock.
I think I kept waiting for him to say this was a joke, he didn't seem nearly as excited as my heart felt. He finally cracked a smile after my fifth time asking "her shortening fraction right?" and he said "yes, today it's good news". It must be incredibly hard to be a physician that deals with such tragic and heart breaking news so often.
I see it in Dr. Mastropietro too, when they have good news you can see inside they are as excited as you are, but they can't ever let it out because they have to be the realists, or the conservative ones so they can't get too emotional with patients as they know things can always reverse. Not to mention and it really is a shame that I swear they are all terrified of being sued and allowing patients into their emotions might make them vulnerable to saying something that if unfounded or that backfires, could get them in trouble.
If you had seen my face, and him sitting in the room with my calm excitement you'd understand what I mean. I think if I had grabbed his hands and made him dance a jig with me he would've;) It seems their "god complexes" have caught on and now WE EXPECT them to be "god" which is highly irrational and sad. I wish they could rejoice in every triumph just as we, the parents do, but at least they aren't fooling me, I know when they are relieved or happy about something and Dr. L'ecuyer was happy, even if he couldn't dance a jig:)
He also (as do I) knows that in the scheme of things it doesn't mean a whole lot. He knows that things can go up or down at anytime, and he knows that while you might get better, you also might get worse. There are no guarantees in cardiomyopathy, no set paths to tread. I don't care though, for right now I am just going to revel in a small triumph. The point to me is that the medication helped, and the heart can heal if given the right tools even if that's all we ever get. Dr. L'ecuyer said we'll never know if it's the meds or if she would've just improved over time, but I think he and I both know it's the meds. I just don't feel this was caused by a virus in a child that had never been sick. The fact that it took TWO YEARS to see any glimpse of improvement of her heart function also tells me this.
I practically ran to my car, I needed to get to it's solace because I knew tears were coming. There have been countless moments throughout these last two years when although I don't think God in particular healed Charlotte, or can change her course I know that he is near. Or my angels are near, or Charlotte's angels are near. I sat in the parking garage on the 11th floor overlooking Tiger Stadium, Ford Field and the sunlight glittering off a city that everyone says is dead, and I cried the happiest tears I think I've ever had. My eyes were sore and burning for two days because I just couldn't stop crying. She's not healed, she might still require a transplant at some point in her future but she improved. Even today she's not far away from the decision to be listed, I suppose she never will be but with even the tiniest improvement, it means catching a decrease and having that much more time to be well while waiting for a transplant. The last two years have felt like the grim reaper is standing at the end of my driveway just waiting to take her, and my tears are washing him away down the street just a little further.
We are fighting the fight and although I knew not to hope, for some reason lately I have looked at Charlotte and felt her hugs and wondered if she might improve. Her spirit is a strong one (lol, literally) and although I know this fight will be our life I don't feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment anymore. I have hope, and I have faith that she can have a long and wonderful life. By far this has been the toughest time of my life, of my marriage, of my motherhood but I think I might survive it now, just a little hope goes a long way:)
Goodnight everyone, I hope this all makes sense as I haven't slept much lately. Thank you for continuing to pray for us, and keep us in your thoughts. Thank you for passing on the word that organ donation is worth it.
XOXOXO.
I have been trying to figure out how many appointments we've had for Charlotte but can't come up with an exact number. It definitely is around the ballpark of 25-30 appts in the two years since her diagnosis, not a lot compared to many of her heart friends but still enough that continuously hoping for improvement and getting none, starts to weigh on a parent. After 6 months to a year of no improvement we were told not to hope for any, so we prepared our minds to hear the words "no change" at each appointment and tried to force our hearts to feel good about it, because we know the words "she's declined" can come just as easily so we take "no change" and run with it. In truth no matter how prepared we are to hear that Charlotte has had "no change" in her heart function, it is relatively impossible to actually "not hope":)
I am getting better and better at holding off my nerves before appointments. The first year and a half I started obsessing and getting my nerves on edge about a month beforehand. Two Mondays ago, whether it is just experience, or the fact that I'm tearing my hair out busy and don't have time to think, I never really felt nervous. For some reason my stomach always knows what I may not be thinking and I get sick feeling about half way through my drive to the hospital. This time, I was more concerned with how she'd act than what they would find as getting tests done on a particularly feisty toddler is becoming more challenging. She was a nightmare during her previous echo, and then with the hospital stay in March I was on the prowl for new strategies to calm her down, or explain the procedure better. Our child life specialist has had ZERO success in making friends with Charlotte, when she came into the room with a doll during the March hospital stay Charlotte would just tell her to "go home", lol, and not in a nice tone of voice.
My new strategy was turning some of the experience over to her so I didn't carry into the office like I normally do but instead let her walk in by herself with my following behind. Without my "making her do it" I thought it might help to ease her into it herself, and she was fabulous when the nurse instructed her for her height, weight and even her blood pressure which she normally cries through. When we went into the EKG room she got a worried look, started to back out and said "go home now Momma?" I just said we couldn't go home but that I could hold her, I explained it was the sticker test, the tech gave her a toy and boom, she sat down on the table and was a champ. Thankfully, putting the stickers(leads) and wires on and off is the longest part of the test.
Next was the exam room, the NP and a new cardiology fellow came in and did their examinations, she was very talkative and friendly to them. When they told me it was time for her echo my stomach dropped because I was DREADING this. Jason wasn't with me to help occupy her, so I was going this one alone:( However she sat on the bed herself without my holding her on my chest, and besides freaking out a few brief times she allowed the tech to get all of her pictures (up until the arch anyway, then she lost it). Dr. L'ecuyer came in and told the tech he had been watching and thought she was good on the pictures so Charlotte was relieved to be done:) I am so proud of her, I know echo days will continue to be sketchy and I'm sure her moods will vary from appointment to appointment but "yeah for Charley" on this one.
So then came our chat with Dr. L'ecuyer, I was eager to hear what he had to say because the way he sounded when he told the tech that she could finish up and he'd seen enough had a different tone than usual. So we sat down and he said that he was confident in reporting that it seemed her shortening fraction had improved a little. It had been roughly 8-9% over the last two years and today seemed better. Then he waited and took a few seconds pause as I said dumbfounded "wait so you're saying her shortening fraction improved slightly?" "What is it now?" And he said that it was around 15% which brought her from the severe category to moderate. I then said "wait?? Her shortening fraction right?" And he continued to answer the same question at least three more times as I was in shock.
I think I kept waiting for him to say this was a joke, he didn't seem nearly as excited as my heart felt. He finally cracked a smile after my fifth time asking "her shortening fraction right?" and he said "yes, today it's good news". It must be incredibly hard to be a physician that deals with such tragic and heart breaking news so often.
I see it in Dr. Mastropietro too, when they have good news you can see inside they are as excited as you are, but they can't ever let it out because they have to be the realists, or the conservative ones so they can't get too emotional with patients as they know things can always reverse. Not to mention and it really is a shame that I swear they are all terrified of being sued and allowing patients into their emotions might make them vulnerable to saying something that if unfounded or that backfires, could get them in trouble.
If you had seen my face, and him sitting in the room with my calm excitement you'd understand what I mean. I think if I had grabbed his hands and made him dance a jig with me he would've;) It seems their "god complexes" have caught on and now WE EXPECT them to be "god" which is highly irrational and sad. I wish they could rejoice in every triumph just as we, the parents do, but at least they aren't fooling me, I know when they are relieved or happy about something and Dr. L'ecuyer was happy, even if he couldn't dance a jig:)
He also (as do I) knows that in the scheme of things it doesn't mean a whole lot. He knows that things can go up or down at anytime, and he knows that while you might get better, you also might get worse. There are no guarantees in cardiomyopathy, no set paths to tread. I don't care though, for right now I am just going to revel in a small triumph. The point to me is that the medication helped, and the heart can heal if given the right tools even if that's all we ever get. Dr. L'ecuyer said we'll never know if it's the meds or if she would've just improved over time, but I think he and I both know it's the meds. I just don't feel this was caused by a virus in a child that had never been sick. The fact that it took TWO YEARS to see any glimpse of improvement of her heart function also tells me this.
I practically ran to my car, I needed to get to it's solace because I knew tears were coming. There have been countless moments throughout these last two years when although I don't think God in particular healed Charlotte, or can change her course I know that he is near. Or my angels are near, or Charlotte's angels are near. I sat in the parking garage on the 11th floor overlooking Tiger Stadium, Ford Field and the sunlight glittering off a city that everyone says is dead, and I cried the happiest tears I think I've ever had. My eyes were sore and burning for two days because I just couldn't stop crying. She's not healed, she might still require a transplant at some point in her future but she improved. Even today she's not far away from the decision to be listed, I suppose she never will be but with even the tiniest improvement, it means catching a decrease and having that much more time to be well while waiting for a transplant. The last two years have felt like the grim reaper is standing at the end of my driveway just waiting to take her, and my tears are washing him away down the street just a little further.
We are fighting the fight and although I knew not to hope, for some reason lately I have looked at Charlotte and felt her hugs and wondered if she might improve. Her spirit is a strong one (lol, literally) and although I know this fight will be our life I don't feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment anymore. I have hope, and I have faith that she can have a long and wonderful life. By far this has been the toughest time of my life, of my marriage, of my motherhood but I think I might survive it now, just a little hope goes a long way:)
Goodnight everyone, I hope this all makes sense as I haven't slept much lately. Thank you for continuing to pray for us, and keep us in your thoughts. Thank you for passing on the word that organ donation is worth it.
XOXOXO.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
April 24, 2011
Happy Easter everyone,
I hope all of you celebrated with family or friends and for those of you in Michigan that you were able to get out and enjoy the warmer temps and sunshine this weekend. This date is significant in my mind, strange how some dates you will always remember no matter how much time passes. The ones that aren't significant with your graduation, or wedding, or a birthdate but a date where something so profound happened to you that it is forever etched in your memory. This is one of those for me because today marks the two year anniversary of Charlotte surviving dilated cardiomyopathy and her heart failure. The time moved so incredibly slow that first night two years ago and at this point I'm not even sure we were up in the ICU yet, but I think we had just arrived and were finding out the nightmarish news and prognosis of our beautiful, smiley baby girl who had no idea how sick she ACTUALLY was.
This weekend we were lucky enough to have my brothers home from Chicago and celebrated Saturday with my in laws. It was a gorgeous day, the kids got kites from grandma and grandpa Walsh and it was so nice to walk to the park and watch them fly. As in most days and throughout their passing I notice things related to Charlotte's illness, and sometimes can't brush them off immediately. I pushed her in the stroller to the park, and while my niece Genna (also 2) was hightailing it football field lengths on foot without stopping Charlotte barely walked around for ten minutes before proclaiming that "I tired", "I cold Momma". The call signs that it's time for a break, that she can't keep up. Along with "I watch TV", or "I lay down".
While Alaina, Jake, Alexis flew their kites and Genna walked a mile, Charlotte sat in her stroller bundled in her blanket and although no one else would've known the wiser "I know" she just told me "hey Mom, I'm tired out". These are the daily reminders that your child is sick, the reasons that you can not forget and go on about your life as if all is okay and well. I constantly worry about overdoing it, about pushing her too far, and yet she continues to ask for what she needs, and do with what she can, and NEVER COMPLAINS about it (yet;). She sat there cheering the kids on from her throne, smiling and as excited as if she herself were flying them, controlling their dips and waves, and steady glides.
And I sat there taking pictures of my nieces and children, brothers, sister, and father in law thinking how lucky we are to have each other. To have a day where the weather was beautiful, the wind was perfect and we were there to enjoy each others company even if we didn't say a lot. I haven't felt that at peace in awhile, it's been a long while. My life feels like that kite with dips so low that it feels it might hit the ground, and other times soaring so high that it might touch heaven for a moment. It's hard to live life on these winds of shown uncertainty.
Today we celebrated with my family, my aunts and uncles, cousins and my grandparents in their 80's. Again just standing still for a moment in my own silence listening to the sounds of the house, to the kids going crazy outside. My aunts and uncles talking about their lives, what the kids are up to. Meet the Robinsons in the family room (one of my all time favorite movies). I so often find myself just standing in a place where everyone else is moving and all I can concentrate on is the noise, the joyful, loving noise that we all put forth. The noise that people just don't stop and listen to anymore. I know I noticed it all before this happened to Charlotte, and therefore to us but now it is so prevalent in my life. I'm struggling with all of the wind gusts, rocking us around and sometimes it is so overwhelming I just want to smash on the pavement in a pile of tattered brightly colored fabric. Then at other times it's like perfect silence, I'm just gliding along in beautiful calm where I feel like heaven is watching me whispering that it's all going to be all right.
I am so proud of Charlotte, and Alaina and Jake for who they are. That Charlotte can just sit there watching all of her fellow little people running amuck and not be able to keep up with them but still cheers them on with a smile on her face and joy in her voice as she yells with them. She inspires me. I am so proud that I have family who never concentrates on how sick she is but can take her for a walk to the swings and push her for an hour without even thinking how strange it is that she doesn't request getting off to run around. Or who will go retrieve a ball for her a hundred times not realizing that she can't continuously do it herself all afternoon.
I am so proud of my husband for CONSTANTLY handling all of this life with its incessant wind. For always fighting right along with me to hold this weaved fabric of our lives steady when the gusts pick up. I know it is not easy for him, just as it is not easy for me. I never expected to be challenged in this way, to question every aspect of my being. I know that I am proud to have all of our loved ones and friends who put up with it, who stay even though it's not always a picnic to know us. Seeing those brightly colored kites flying high reminded me so much of how our lives are entwined within each others. How each person or tiny action reflects a strand of thread and as a whole we help keep each other soaring.
I love all of you and will forever be grateful for all that you give me:)
XOXO
Courtney
I hope all of you celebrated with family or friends and for those of you in Michigan that you were able to get out and enjoy the warmer temps and sunshine this weekend. This date is significant in my mind, strange how some dates you will always remember no matter how much time passes. The ones that aren't significant with your graduation, or wedding, or a birthdate but a date where something so profound happened to you that it is forever etched in your memory. This is one of those for me because today marks the two year anniversary of Charlotte surviving dilated cardiomyopathy and her heart failure. The time moved so incredibly slow that first night two years ago and at this point I'm not even sure we were up in the ICU yet, but I think we had just arrived and were finding out the nightmarish news and prognosis of our beautiful, smiley baby girl who had no idea how sick she ACTUALLY was.
This weekend we were lucky enough to have my brothers home from Chicago and celebrated Saturday with my in laws. It was a gorgeous day, the kids got kites from grandma and grandpa Walsh and it was so nice to walk to the park and watch them fly. As in most days and throughout their passing I notice things related to Charlotte's illness, and sometimes can't brush them off immediately. I pushed her in the stroller to the park, and while my niece Genna (also 2) was hightailing it football field lengths on foot without stopping Charlotte barely walked around for ten minutes before proclaiming that "I tired", "I cold Momma". The call signs that it's time for a break, that she can't keep up. Along with "I watch TV", or "I lay down".
While Alaina, Jake, Alexis flew their kites and Genna walked a mile, Charlotte sat in her stroller bundled in her blanket and although no one else would've known the wiser "I know" she just told me "hey Mom, I'm tired out". These are the daily reminders that your child is sick, the reasons that you can not forget and go on about your life as if all is okay and well. I constantly worry about overdoing it, about pushing her too far, and yet she continues to ask for what she needs, and do with what she can, and NEVER COMPLAINS about it (yet;). She sat there cheering the kids on from her throne, smiling and as excited as if she herself were flying them, controlling their dips and waves, and steady glides.
And I sat there taking pictures of my nieces and children, brothers, sister, and father in law thinking how lucky we are to have each other. To have a day where the weather was beautiful, the wind was perfect and we were there to enjoy each others company even if we didn't say a lot. I haven't felt that at peace in awhile, it's been a long while. My life feels like that kite with dips so low that it feels it might hit the ground, and other times soaring so high that it might touch heaven for a moment. It's hard to live life on these winds of shown uncertainty.
Today we celebrated with my family, my aunts and uncles, cousins and my grandparents in their 80's. Again just standing still for a moment in my own silence listening to the sounds of the house, to the kids going crazy outside. My aunts and uncles talking about their lives, what the kids are up to. Meet the Robinsons in the family room (one of my all time favorite movies). I so often find myself just standing in a place where everyone else is moving and all I can concentrate on is the noise, the joyful, loving noise that we all put forth. The noise that people just don't stop and listen to anymore. I know I noticed it all before this happened to Charlotte, and therefore to us but now it is so prevalent in my life. I'm struggling with all of the wind gusts, rocking us around and sometimes it is so overwhelming I just want to smash on the pavement in a pile of tattered brightly colored fabric. Then at other times it's like perfect silence, I'm just gliding along in beautiful calm where I feel like heaven is watching me whispering that it's all going to be all right.
I am so proud of Charlotte, and Alaina and Jake for who they are. That Charlotte can just sit there watching all of her fellow little people running amuck and not be able to keep up with them but still cheers them on with a smile on her face and joy in her voice as she yells with them. She inspires me. I am so proud that I have family who never concentrates on how sick she is but can take her for a walk to the swings and push her for an hour without even thinking how strange it is that she doesn't request getting off to run around. Or who will go retrieve a ball for her a hundred times not realizing that she can't continuously do it herself all afternoon.
I am so proud of my husband for CONSTANTLY handling all of this life with its incessant wind. For always fighting right along with me to hold this weaved fabric of our lives steady when the gusts pick up. I know it is not easy for him, just as it is not easy for me. I never expected to be challenged in this way, to question every aspect of my being. I know that I am proud to have all of our loved ones and friends who put up with it, who stay even though it's not always a picnic to know us. Seeing those brightly colored kites flying high reminded me so much of how our lives are entwined within each others. How each person or tiny action reflects a strand of thread and as a whole we help keep each other soaring.
I love all of you and will forever be grateful for all that you give me:)
XOXO
Courtney
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
April 13, 2011 #1
Hello again,
My mom came up last night and I was able to go to the Ronald McDonald house after a Bigby run for tea around midnight, and slept until 9:30 before waking up in a panic when I saw the time thinking I had missed a zillion phone calls from Mom, or the nurse. I was in shock when my phone was empty of call notifications and got up and out of there immediately because I didn't want to miss morning rounds. Mom said Charlotte slept all night too and was in WAY better spirits when I came in this morning. She is still not 100% and I'm still concerned by her lack of eating and small amount of drinking. I can't help but go over and over the things that maybe we missed just in case. It's a curse I tell you, however, it seems the kids never eat or drink good when hospitalized so I'll keep an eye on her over the next day or so and see how she does. Since getting home she's drank some milk and ate a tiny bit of Mrs. Grass soup. I hope her appetite gets better tomorrow.
She slept on the way home from the hospital and as I was talking to my mother in law I kept watching her in the rearview concerned about her color, and touching her hands to make sure they were warm. It is that same feeling I get everytime when in truth, I just want to get the hell out of there after the first night but when they finally do give us the "all clear" I am terrified of not having them to help me. When she woke up in the driveway she cheered "WE'RE HOME" so I know she is happy to be back.
I vacumned the house, cleaned the counters, folded blankets, gave her a bath and started the laundry within the first hour and a half since we were home so I know I am happy to be home too. Its weird the rituals we go through after being away only a short time, the first thing Charlotte wanted was Just Dance 2 on the Wii:) She of course was too exhausted to dance but she sat on the couch and watched the dancer and listened to the music. The next biggest excitement was her bath which she was really excited for but again was so exhausted she just whined and complained through most of it. She finally laid on the little couch with her blankies and watched Kipper until she fell asleep.
Jake came home and seemed happy to see us, he and I chatted about how things were and I begged for a hundred hugs from my guy. He is always the same each time we go through something with Charlotte, he acts totally unaffected and yet his behavior tells a completely different story. He gets more aggresive than usual, some good bear hugs reassured him I think and he seemed better after. Alaina is never very open with how she's feeling either and I know they had to be scared to death in the ED with me all day Sunday. I watched Alaina checking Charlotte's fingers and toes in the car on the way down and yet when we talked about it before they left she said she was fine. I went to pick her up from her drama club this evening thinking she'd be sooo excited to see me but she was just like "what's up mom" like it was any other day. Once I pulled in the driveway I think it hit her because she stopped, looked at me and said "is Charley home?" and when I said yes went running into the house. The only time I heard Charlotte laugh in three days was at her big sister/brother tonight.
The similarities during this stay compared to our first stay almost exactly two years ago are strange. As then Jason had just started his new job literally weeks before our two week stint in the ICU, and this time he started a new job on Monday. Along with that I noticed today that Spring happened while we were away. It was eerie feeling the Spring air today and coming home to buds on my trees and my flowers blooming outside. It felt EXACTLY the same as it did then. Regardless she is home now, safe in her own bed, with Mr. Turtle shining his bright stars on her ceiling (great gift Aunt Nancy:) and Violet the dog sang her to sleep. I really do appreciate all of your emails, texts, facebook comments, phone calls, and comments on these blogs. It may seem ridiculous but just knowing people are there listening (well reading) and caring really lifts my spirits everyday.
I had this wonderful conversation with the chaplain at the hospital I want to write about but it is one of my emotional rants so I will post it seperately for those interested in my rants. That way those of you who just want to know how Charlotte is can skip the second one:)
Goodnight everyone
-C-
My mom came up last night and I was able to go to the Ronald McDonald house after a Bigby run for tea around midnight, and slept until 9:30 before waking up in a panic when I saw the time thinking I had missed a zillion phone calls from Mom, or the nurse. I was in shock when my phone was empty of call notifications and got up and out of there immediately because I didn't want to miss morning rounds. Mom said Charlotte slept all night too and was in WAY better spirits when I came in this morning. She is still not 100% and I'm still concerned by her lack of eating and small amount of drinking. I can't help but go over and over the things that maybe we missed just in case. It's a curse I tell you, however, it seems the kids never eat or drink good when hospitalized so I'll keep an eye on her over the next day or so and see how she does. Since getting home she's drank some milk and ate a tiny bit of Mrs. Grass soup. I hope her appetite gets better tomorrow.
She slept on the way home from the hospital and as I was talking to my mother in law I kept watching her in the rearview concerned about her color, and touching her hands to make sure they were warm. It is that same feeling I get everytime when in truth, I just want to get the hell out of there after the first night but when they finally do give us the "all clear" I am terrified of not having them to help me. When she woke up in the driveway she cheered "WE'RE HOME" so I know she is happy to be back.
I vacumned the house, cleaned the counters, folded blankets, gave her a bath and started the laundry within the first hour and a half since we were home so I know I am happy to be home too. Its weird the rituals we go through after being away only a short time, the first thing Charlotte wanted was Just Dance 2 on the Wii:) She of course was too exhausted to dance but she sat on the couch and watched the dancer and listened to the music. The next biggest excitement was her bath which she was really excited for but again was so exhausted she just whined and complained through most of it. She finally laid on the little couch with her blankies and watched Kipper until she fell asleep.
Jake came home and seemed happy to see us, he and I chatted about how things were and I begged for a hundred hugs from my guy. He is always the same each time we go through something with Charlotte, he acts totally unaffected and yet his behavior tells a completely different story. He gets more aggresive than usual, some good bear hugs reassured him I think and he seemed better after. Alaina is never very open with how she's feeling either and I know they had to be scared to death in the ED with me all day Sunday. I watched Alaina checking Charlotte's fingers and toes in the car on the way down and yet when we talked about it before they left she said she was fine. I went to pick her up from her drama club this evening thinking she'd be sooo excited to see me but she was just like "what's up mom" like it was any other day. Once I pulled in the driveway I think it hit her because she stopped, looked at me and said "is Charley home?" and when I said yes went running into the house. The only time I heard Charlotte laugh in three days was at her big sister/brother tonight.
The similarities during this stay compared to our first stay almost exactly two years ago are strange. As then Jason had just started his new job literally weeks before our two week stint in the ICU, and this time he started a new job on Monday. Along with that I noticed today that Spring happened while we were away. It was eerie feeling the Spring air today and coming home to buds on my trees and my flowers blooming outside. It felt EXACTLY the same as it did then. Regardless she is home now, safe in her own bed, with Mr. Turtle shining his bright stars on her ceiling (great gift Aunt Nancy:) and Violet the dog sang her to sleep. I really do appreciate all of your emails, texts, facebook comments, phone calls, and comments on these blogs. It may seem ridiculous but just knowing people are there listening (well reading) and caring really lifts my spirits everyday.
I had this wonderful conversation with the chaplain at the hospital I want to write about but it is one of my emotional rants so I will post it seperately for those interested in my rants. That way those of you who just want to know how Charlotte is can skip the second one:)
Goodnight everyone
-C-
Monday, April 11, 2011
April 11, 2011
Hello there,
Writing from another GREAT day in the ICU and Cardiac unit at Childrens Hospital of Michigan my favorite place;) As a precursor I must warn you I am literally going on maybe three hours of sleep in an upright chair where I laid my head on the bedside table to sleep in between bouts of Charlotte screaming, kicking and freaking out so what I write may not make any sense. Jason said as much as he was talking to me this evening while we ate.
Charlotte seems to be on the mend, the doctors are confident that this was not a heart failure incident, but most likely brought on by a stomach virus. She was very cranky today, had full strength during her tantrums and seems just plain done with all of this. No one could touch her, or talk to her until later this evening after her popsicle. She ate a little bit, but I think because they were giving her fluids was not very thirsty.
We were moved from the ICU to the cardiac unit about two hours ago and holy moly I was ready to hand her to the nurses and say "good luck", "call me when she calms down". She woke up everyone on the 4th floor and of course her roommate is this sweet baby girl who was sleeping calmly and peacefully as Charlotte threw an ultra temper tantrum. Mom and I were trying to reason with her and figure out what to do to make her better but it was pure hell for a half hour, maybe hour.
I am so glad my mom is here with me because it was rough going it alone last night and most of today. Sorry Mom for being snappy when you were just trying to help, I REALLY do appreciate you and Dad very much.
I finally got Charley's Yo Gabba Gabba game up on Nickjr and she passed out a bit ago with none of her leads on, they salined her IV for later, and they took no vitals. Thankfully the nurse waited until she was completely out and they took her off the fluids. We breathed a sigh of relief that the little monster did not stir.
This has been a horrible day, with very few calm happy go lucky Charley moments and running on no sleep is not helping. So I plan on heading to the Ronald McDonald house where my lovely brother in laws Mom is thankfully working this weekend and passing out.
I am REALLY hoping tomorrow is a better day and we get out of here because I think Charlotte can't handle much more. Pray she drinks, pees, has a bowel movement, and eats like a champ so they let us OUT;) And preferably does them in her diaper and not on me as seems to be the trend these last few days:)
Thank you for continued support, love and prayers. YAWN, YAWN GOODNIGHT
Writing from another GREAT day in the ICU and Cardiac unit at Childrens Hospital of Michigan my favorite place;) As a precursor I must warn you I am literally going on maybe three hours of sleep in an upright chair where I laid my head on the bedside table to sleep in between bouts of Charlotte screaming, kicking and freaking out so what I write may not make any sense. Jason said as much as he was talking to me this evening while we ate.
Charlotte seems to be on the mend, the doctors are confident that this was not a heart failure incident, but most likely brought on by a stomach virus. She was very cranky today, had full strength during her tantrums and seems just plain done with all of this. No one could touch her, or talk to her until later this evening after her popsicle. She ate a little bit, but I think because they were giving her fluids was not very thirsty.
We were moved from the ICU to the cardiac unit about two hours ago and holy moly I was ready to hand her to the nurses and say "good luck", "call me when she calms down". She woke up everyone on the 4th floor and of course her roommate is this sweet baby girl who was sleeping calmly and peacefully as Charlotte threw an ultra temper tantrum. Mom and I were trying to reason with her and figure out what to do to make her better but it was pure hell for a half hour, maybe hour.
I am so glad my mom is here with me because it was rough going it alone last night and most of today. Sorry Mom for being snappy when you were just trying to help, I REALLY do appreciate you and Dad very much.
I finally got Charley's Yo Gabba Gabba game up on Nickjr and she passed out a bit ago with none of her leads on, they salined her IV for later, and they took no vitals. Thankfully the nurse waited until she was completely out and they took her off the fluids. We breathed a sigh of relief that the little monster did not stir.
This has been a horrible day, with very few calm happy go lucky Charley moments and running on no sleep is not helping. So I plan on heading to the Ronald McDonald house where my lovely brother in laws Mom is thankfully working this weekend and passing out.
I am REALLY hoping tomorrow is a better day and we get out of here because I think Charlotte can't handle much more. Pray she drinks, pees, has a bowel movement, and eats like a champ so they let us OUT;) And preferably does them in her diaper and not on me as seems to be the trend these last few days:)
Thank you for continued support, love and prayers. YAWN, YAWN GOODNIGHT
Sunday, April 10, 2011
April 10, 2011
Hi everyone,
Well if you don't already know through facebook, email or a phone call from someone close to us Charlotte was admitted to Children's Hospital today. I brought her to the ER this morning and she is currently staying the night in the old familiar ICU here. She started vomiting Friday evening, into Saturday morning and then seemed to be on the mend, still laying around, not active but got up a couple of times yesterday and walked around. She bossed me around a couple of times Saturday night so I thought today she would be golden. She stayed up late and slept in until I woke her at 10:30 in the morning. She seemed a little pale, her diaper was dry (totally unusual, they are usually HUGE in the morning) her color not that great in her fingers/toes but she ate a bagel while laying on the couch and drank a glass of milk. She really seemed out of it though, after her bagel she just kept looking worse and telling me she was scared. I couldn't get her to stand up or walk, and her feet/hands turned purple and were cold. From all of this Mom training I've gathered during this process cold/purple hands and feet are not a good sign and when I pinched them the blood was slow to return. So of course I started panicking, and called Jason at work to calm me down. I gave her another half hour to perk up and then literally threw all of the kids in the car and called the on call cardiologist on the way down to Childrens. He agreed her symptoms were worrisome and to the ER we went. It took most of the day, 2 x-rays, an EKG, an ultrasound of her intestines, IV, and labs to figure out the only thing we're sure of which is she is dehydrated, and her intestines are sluggish.
Dr. Mastropietro came down to the ER to tell us that some of her numbers were concerning, and they were admitting her to his care in the ICU. I was sick to my stomach all morning and of course in the ER they don't tell you jack shit until you start bugging them. I was unusually patient today, but relieved to hear from Dr. Mastropietro because even if its scary news I just know I trust him, he's honest with me and fills me with information which I crave on days like this. I am not good with being told only parts of the story and I like to have ALL of my questions answered until I'm satisfied and like Dr. L'ecuyer he doesn't seem annoyed by my being that way. He's great!!
He reads these blogs sometimes so I want to assure him that I am not a mental mess all of the time, only on the days when I post to this blog. So everyday you don't read from me, is usually an okay day, give or take some of course. This is just a large adjustment to our lives and we still aren't pros at it as was evident by my absolute terror all morning. I told Jason that the hardest part is thinking that every little thing, every reason for an ER visit could be something that they can't fix and I don't know how to feel safe again in that regard. I remember with Alaina and Jake I never felt like they were going to die when I had to take them in the middle of the night with croup, but with Charlotte EVERYTHING feels that way. I just pray it gets easier over time, that's what I pray.
He isn't quite sure why Charlotte is dehydrated, and her symptoms of vomiting, not eating, the kidneys being dry can all be signs that her heart could be declining again so they have her on milrinone an IV medication to help assist her heart, and are giving her fluids to help with the dehydration. Her color returned almost immediately upon entering the ER, go figure. She was very lethargic today and honestly slept most of the day, she didn't fight any tests or pokes because she was just too worn out. I have never seen her like this which was incredibly scary, even when she suffered the dehdydration last year with her heart cath she was not how she was today. Even almost two years ago when we brought her to this same ICU in heart failure she was more active than she was today.
The numbers related to her cardiac side of things were actually not bad and Dr. Mastropietro is confident that this is not heart related (99%). He doesn't know if it was a stomach flu because aside from the first few hours of vomiting the episodes became irratic where usually you just keep throwing up even if nothing is in your stomach. The only other option that has been thrown out there is bladder infection which I just heard was negative. When they did her ultrasound the tech said she had a really full bladder and yet she didn't urinate the entire day. They started her milrinone and we had just discussed doing a catheter to test for a bladder infection when she finally urinated. And it was A LOT, so today was a banner day of being thrown up on and peed on:) As I sit here writing this in the same clothes, the nurses and doctors must want to vomit when they talk to me. LOL. GREAT DAY:)
Within the last few hours she has really perked up, still tired, still whining a lot but talking occasionally. She's watched movies and read books. She put up a fight when they did her catheter and her cheeks are rosy, rosy. So whatever was happening, the medications are helping. I won't know more until tomorrow and we may be here another night but hopefully we'll figure this out as I am not ready for the tranplant chat just yet. I admit after the initial terror of the morning once I spoke to Dr. Mastropietro and he told me her BNP number was only 111 my fears calmed and I realize no matter what happens we'll get through it but it takes a toll mentally and physically to get through these days.
Jason starts a brand new job tomorrow so he went home for the night, so I'll be going it alone tonight. She seems improved, still cranky, but better. Thank you for all of your kind words today and facebook posts of encouragment and prayers.
-C-
Well if you don't already know through facebook, email or a phone call from someone close to us Charlotte was admitted to Children's Hospital today. I brought her to the ER this morning and she is currently staying the night in the old familiar ICU here. She started vomiting Friday evening, into Saturday morning and then seemed to be on the mend, still laying around, not active but got up a couple of times yesterday and walked around. She bossed me around a couple of times Saturday night so I thought today she would be golden. She stayed up late and slept in until I woke her at 10:30 in the morning. She seemed a little pale, her diaper was dry (totally unusual, they are usually HUGE in the morning) her color not that great in her fingers/toes but she ate a bagel while laying on the couch and drank a glass of milk. She really seemed out of it though, after her bagel she just kept looking worse and telling me she was scared. I couldn't get her to stand up or walk, and her feet/hands turned purple and were cold. From all of this Mom training I've gathered during this process cold/purple hands and feet are not a good sign and when I pinched them the blood was slow to return. So of course I started panicking, and called Jason at work to calm me down. I gave her another half hour to perk up and then literally threw all of the kids in the car and called the on call cardiologist on the way down to Childrens. He agreed her symptoms were worrisome and to the ER we went. It took most of the day, 2 x-rays, an EKG, an ultrasound of her intestines, IV, and labs to figure out the only thing we're sure of which is she is dehydrated, and her intestines are sluggish.
Dr. Mastropietro came down to the ER to tell us that some of her numbers were concerning, and they were admitting her to his care in the ICU. I was sick to my stomach all morning and of course in the ER they don't tell you jack shit until you start bugging them. I was unusually patient today, but relieved to hear from Dr. Mastropietro because even if its scary news I just know I trust him, he's honest with me and fills me with information which I crave on days like this. I am not good with being told only parts of the story and I like to have ALL of my questions answered until I'm satisfied and like Dr. L'ecuyer he doesn't seem annoyed by my being that way. He's great!!
He reads these blogs sometimes so I want to assure him that I am not a mental mess all of the time, only on the days when I post to this blog. So everyday you don't read from me, is usually an okay day, give or take some of course. This is just a large adjustment to our lives and we still aren't pros at it as was evident by my absolute terror all morning. I told Jason that the hardest part is thinking that every little thing, every reason for an ER visit could be something that they can't fix and I don't know how to feel safe again in that regard. I remember with Alaina and Jake I never felt like they were going to die when I had to take them in the middle of the night with croup, but with Charlotte EVERYTHING feels that way. I just pray it gets easier over time, that's what I pray.
He isn't quite sure why Charlotte is dehydrated, and her symptoms of vomiting, not eating, the kidneys being dry can all be signs that her heart could be declining again so they have her on milrinone an IV medication to help assist her heart, and are giving her fluids to help with the dehydration. Her color returned almost immediately upon entering the ER, go figure. She was very lethargic today and honestly slept most of the day, she didn't fight any tests or pokes because she was just too worn out. I have never seen her like this which was incredibly scary, even when she suffered the dehdydration last year with her heart cath she was not how she was today. Even almost two years ago when we brought her to this same ICU in heart failure she was more active than she was today.
The numbers related to her cardiac side of things were actually not bad and Dr. Mastropietro is confident that this is not heart related (99%). He doesn't know if it was a stomach flu because aside from the first few hours of vomiting the episodes became irratic where usually you just keep throwing up even if nothing is in your stomach. The only other option that has been thrown out there is bladder infection which I just heard was negative. When they did her ultrasound the tech said she had a really full bladder and yet she didn't urinate the entire day. They started her milrinone and we had just discussed doing a catheter to test for a bladder infection when she finally urinated. And it was A LOT, so today was a banner day of being thrown up on and peed on:) As I sit here writing this in the same clothes, the nurses and doctors must want to vomit when they talk to me. LOL. GREAT DAY:)
Within the last few hours she has really perked up, still tired, still whining a lot but talking occasionally. She's watched movies and read books. She put up a fight when they did her catheter and her cheeks are rosy, rosy. So whatever was happening, the medications are helping. I won't know more until tomorrow and we may be here another night but hopefully we'll figure this out as I am not ready for the tranplant chat just yet. I admit after the initial terror of the morning once I spoke to Dr. Mastropietro and he told me her BNP number was only 111 my fears calmed and I realize no matter what happens we'll get through it but it takes a toll mentally and physically to get through these days.
Jason starts a brand new job tomorrow so he went home for the night, so I'll be going it alone tonight. She seems improved, still cranky, but better. Thank you for all of your kind words today and facebook posts of encouragment and prayers.
-C-
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Shades of grey
The sun was shining yesterday, and today in the morning. I have been holding out for sunshine so much that I bundled up and sat freezing out on my deck yesterday doing homework in hopes it might save me. I'm not just using "save me" as a metaphor, I have been drowning in shades of grey. There has been no blue, no warmth, just cold grey. This has been a rough winter, rougher than the previous one. Possibly I felt last winter that it was okay to still be sad, or feel depressed because I was still new at this cardiomyopathy stuff. After such a good summer, fall and early winter I was doing great, enjoying school and spending time with the kids, noticing things that I was doing that I hadn't since Charlottes diagnosis. Granted there are always bumps on my emotional road, but nothing like lately. I'm not sure why I've been led off the road and down this path to where I've been, but it has felt LONG, with a lake that tangles you in the branches that line it and push you down. There have been hikers to try and "save me" but this has required grabbing branches to try and climb back up on my own, and it has been unlike any sadness, or anger I've experienced before. It has faded some with color returning occasionally with a night out here with friends, a conversation that intrigues me or the daily routine of having Jason, Brandon and the kids with me, but as soon as they left me in silence I was alone and it's return would take over and I'd allow it to swallow me.
I read an article recently about parents of premature and chronically ill children, that it is common to suffer post traumatic stress disorder any amount of time after watching a child in an ICU for any length of time. I don't know if this possibly could have been reality, or still is but hospitals have shades of grey everywhere. Some shades darker or lighter depending on the situation a family is facing. I remember feeling like blackness in that ICU somedays, and with all that I don't know, I need to write about everything that has gone down to find that last branch to possibly heal my cold skin, and open cuts/scratches. To bring that color back that has been missing for quite awhile now.
This task is so daunting, even with a child who appears SO incredibly well on the outside, just knowing all the "possibilties", the "what if's" and how it affects everyone in the family is a task I pray that I master, I have to master, if we're going to survive this.. Being me sometimes I feel that you have to go to the deepest depths to come out with a better understanding of how to survive them for next time, if there is to ever be a next time. Maybe this journey over the last few months has been part of that, I just hope the lake is getting more shallow, temperature warming, the color returning.
Last week the CCF support group lost three children in one week, without a doubt I hit bottom. The murky, lonely, dark bottom. Some think I need to pull myself away from the group to survive my own life and I agree that I am invested heavily in these families. I don't however think I could ever turn away from them now, not entirely. They mean too much to me, they are formidably the ONLY people who understand my life now. It's true that every once in awhile we lose a child (rare that it would be three), however, according to everyone whose been comforting me for so long now, anyone, can lose a child at anytime. The problem that is failed to be noticed is that for us it actually happens, it's not just a possibility, it's a REAL reality. No matter how much I pull myself out of these small whirlpools that spin me around sometimes, they also feed me with love, with knowledge, with asking nothing in return except to be a feeder to their whirlpools too. It doesn't matter the level of hurt a family is feeling, no one judges there whether I have any right to be as upset as I am because my daughter is doing okay right now. They just know that whatever stage we're at, we're all there for each other battling the uncertainties, the same branches. So I've asked to get one email a day that includes everything, instead of 50 individual ones from the group. I will open myself to the idea that maybe it's time for someone uninvolved to listen to me, to allow me to say all of the stuff that I want to write here but don't because it'd be weird, and I'm weird enough to you all as I already am :)
Most of the time, in fact 95% of the time the stories we share are of hope for new discoveries, triumphs a child who had no hope of overcame. We share doctors that are skilled in certain areas we need, and without a doubt there is ALWAYS an answer when you're in a dark hour. I admit I might have to take a step back and FOCUS on the LIFE that IS in front of me until I am so seasoned at this that I can be support for others. A friend recently said something that although it's tough to accept, is also completely true. She said that "I've only been at this under two years, it's still new and it's still fresh". In the scheme of Charlotte's lifetime, this is such a small amount of time when it seems like SO long ago sometimes. Often I start to sink deeper because I feel so weak to it still, and I hate feeling weak, which then makes me miss another branch and I fall deeper still. She said I am still "a mom in NEED, a mom of a sick child", it reminded me that maybe I'm not ready to be the ultimate cardiomyopathy conquerer, fundraiser champion, counselor to all. I SO want to be but maybe I just need to take it one branch at a time. I don't want my husband paying for it's cost anymore, I've already given enough of my life to this disease. I don't want my children paying for it's cost because they witness my frustration enough on a daily basis.
So today I will begin to grab one by one until I am fully released from this grey lake, and I will with each step TRY to walk the path back, a little closer to acceptance, forgiveness, regained faith, and each bit of my personality and will power that I have allowed lost these last few months.
I will also call someone bigger than myself to help:)
Thanks everyone for your love and support lately, even when I want to be angry at you for telling me what to do, or not do. This won't be the last time you see me cry, or be angry, Charlotte has a LONG way to go in this lifetime.
XOXO
Courtney
I read an article recently about parents of premature and chronically ill children, that it is common to suffer post traumatic stress disorder any amount of time after watching a child in an ICU for any length of time. I don't know if this possibly could have been reality, or still is but hospitals have shades of grey everywhere. Some shades darker or lighter depending on the situation a family is facing. I remember feeling like blackness in that ICU somedays, and with all that I don't know, I need to write about everything that has gone down to find that last branch to possibly heal my cold skin, and open cuts/scratches. To bring that color back that has been missing for quite awhile now.
This task is so daunting, even with a child who appears SO incredibly well on the outside, just knowing all the "possibilties", the "what if's" and how it affects everyone in the family is a task I pray that I master, I have to master, if we're going to survive this.. Being me sometimes I feel that you have to go to the deepest depths to come out with a better understanding of how to survive them for next time, if there is to ever be a next time. Maybe this journey over the last few months has been part of that, I just hope the lake is getting more shallow, temperature warming, the color returning.
Last week the CCF support group lost three children in one week, without a doubt I hit bottom. The murky, lonely, dark bottom. Some think I need to pull myself away from the group to survive my own life and I agree that I am invested heavily in these families. I don't however think I could ever turn away from them now, not entirely. They mean too much to me, they are formidably the ONLY people who understand my life now. It's true that every once in awhile we lose a child (rare that it would be three), however, according to everyone whose been comforting me for so long now, anyone, can lose a child at anytime. The problem that is failed to be noticed is that for us it actually happens, it's not just a possibility, it's a REAL reality. No matter how much I pull myself out of these small whirlpools that spin me around sometimes, they also feed me with love, with knowledge, with asking nothing in return except to be a feeder to their whirlpools too. It doesn't matter the level of hurt a family is feeling, no one judges there whether I have any right to be as upset as I am because my daughter is doing okay right now. They just know that whatever stage we're at, we're all there for each other battling the uncertainties, the same branches. So I've asked to get one email a day that includes everything, instead of 50 individual ones from the group. I will open myself to the idea that maybe it's time for someone uninvolved to listen to me, to allow me to say all of the stuff that I want to write here but don't because it'd be weird, and I'm weird enough to you all as I already am :)
Most of the time, in fact 95% of the time the stories we share are of hope for new discoveries, triumphs a child who had no hope of overcame. We share doctors that are skilled in certain areas we need, and without a doubt there is ALWAYS an answer when you're in a dark hour. I admit I might have to take a step back and FOCUS on the LIFE that IS in front of me until I am so seasoned at this that I can be support for others. A friend recently said something that although it's tough to accept, is also completely true. She said that "I've only been at this under two years, it's still new and it's still fresh". In the scheme of Charlotte's lifetime, this is such a small amount of time when it seems like SO long ago sometimes. Often I start to sink deeper because I feel so weak to it still, and I hate feeling weak, which then makes me miss another branch and I fall deeper still. She said I am still "a mom in NEED, a mom of a sick child", it reminded me that maybe I'm not ready to be the ultimate cardiomyopathy conquerer, fundraiser champion, counselor to all. I SO want to be but maybe I just need to take it one branch at a time. I don't want my husband paying for it's cost anymore, I've already given enough of my life to this disease. I don't want my children paying for it's cost because they witness my frustration enough on a daily basis.
So today I will begin to grab one by one until I am fully released from this grey lake, and I will with each step TRY to walk the path back, a little closer to acceptance, forgiveness, regained faith, and each bit of my personality and will power that I have allowed lost these last few months.
I will also call someone bigger than myself to help:)
Thanks everyone for your love and support lately, even when I want to be angry at you for telling me what to do, or not do. This won't be the last time you see me cry, or be angry, Charlotte has a LONG way to go in this lifetime.
XOXO
Courtney
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