The stuffed animals of my life

I'm not sure where to begin, for the first time in a long time I helped put Charlotte to bed.  I tucked her in with her new big girl bedspread, in her new big girl bed, with her blanket, stuffed elephant, owl nightlight, her sister reading in her bunk above her.  We read an Eric Carle book about a spider who turns down all of her friends who want to play to work on her web all day just to catch one fly.  When her owl friend comes to play at night she is fast asleep after her long day of work.  I feel like that spider a lot nowadays, I feel like I spend a whole lot of time weaving webs between kids, school, and today I signed my papers, got my security clearance, badge and now am officially a PCT for a local hospital..  Each strand of my life is pulling from all ends and I never feel like I am giving anyone of them the detail they deserve.  Not Jason, not the kids, not my schoolwork, friends, parents, relatives, it just never seems enough to show my appreciation for the support system I have.  I've learned a lot about managing it all but I'm tired.  

I have strep throat. I start my new job next week.  I am only half way through my semester.  The semester that single handedly decides whether I get into the nursing program or wait to try again another time.  I have needed my warm bed, comfy blankets, cold washcloths, LOTS of tea and vernors, my favorite PJ's, and all of my grown up stuffed animals so to speak to get me through this week.  And it's only Wednesday.

Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to my biggest stuffed animal of all, Dr. L'ecuyer.  I've been so busy lately I haven't even had time to really process it, so I assumed I was doing okay.  Tonight as Charlotte was settling in and we talked about how we had to get up early and go say goodbye to Dr. L'ecuyer it hit me, this is real.  I have to be brave and not ball my eyes out when we leave knowing I now have to trust someone new with her care.  Tears immediately well.  My throat shrinks.  

Charlotte was so cute because she sort of confusedly asked "he has to take care of other sick kids?"  She said it as if she had no idea that in a completely other place there were other kids like her. And she didn't understand why he had to go there and not take care of her anymore.  Luckily she's three and get's over things quickly but she did say "what if I don't like the new doctor, and I don't want a jelly test?"  I assured her that we will like her new doctor and that mommy would make sure they would take good care of her.

All of that is true, I will always be her greatest advocate, I will always fight for her life unless there is no more fight to be had.  My rational mind says her cardiologist only sees her once every three months, I take care of her everyday.  I know her vitals better than anyone, I know when her color is off, I know when she is tired, I can tell she is going to have a fever a half day before it starts just by her heart rate.  The thing is I rely on him to know when she might need extra support, I rely on him to know when to list her, I rely on him to know which medications she needs, and if something new arises I rely on him to know what course to take.  He is my cardiomyopathy stuffed animal, my comfort with a stethoscope. 

 He has trusted me with her care, he allowed me to keep nursing instead of trying to pump feed her every meal when she absolutely refused bottles of any kind (and believe me we tried them all).  He trusted me to stick a tube down her throat every few days for a month, and mix up high calorie formula for her pump.  He didn't list her immediately as she continued to drop off the growth charts knowing that I wasn't producing enough to sustain her because I was so terrified and stressed out.  Low and behold when she started eating and drinking from a sippy cup she gained weight like crazy.  He is patient enough but not so that he endangers her and I have trusted him with every aspect of her care.  

I'm sure it will all be fine, but as you've all read over the last few years I have grabbed all kinds of branches for support.  My list of stuffed animal comfort is lengthy, I have held onto things so tight my hands hurt in an effort to find balance again.  Some of these comforts have proven healthy and some have really really excruciatingly been painful to let go of.  Unfortunately our good doctor is one that is going to leave a mark. 

I know I will grow to love her new doctor, at least I hope so, and Dr. L'ecuyer and I will probably keep in touch.  I hope Virginia knows how lucky they are to be gaining such a great guy as their chief of pediatric cardiology.  Charlotte got her sassy face on and said "well he needs to COME BACK."  She is so funny, she just never stops entertaining me;)  

I know that this is just another strand in my web, that just because her doctor is leaving does not mean that one broken strand will cause my whole web to fall apart.  While I have gained such an appreciation for living each moment to it's fullest, to never take fun, love, family and friends for granted I also have established a beautiful web that when broken feels scary again.  It throws off my sense of security.  Please say a prayer that whoever Charlotte's new doctor is to be that I gain the same trust and friendship in them that I had found in the good doctor Dr. L'ecuyer.  And that Charlotte grows to like them as much as she loves her "Dr. ecure";)  I will try and update tomorrow sometime after her appointment but it's a dawn to dusk day for me so it might be later in the week.