With the summer sun, hot temperatures and the release of pressure with school being over (for now anyway;), I've been able to focus on life again lately. I keep having this overwhelming sense of panic that I should be doing homework or studying and then it dawns on me that "no wait, I can do whatever I want again, I can relax". This past week helped break the idea in with a nice night out to Greenfield Village where the kids just ran around and played on the hill overlooking the Detroit Symphony Orchestra and waited patiently with bubbles, rolling races, and lemonade for the fireworks to start. We went for pizza beforehand and honestly we don't do much as an entire family anymore so it was refreshing to enjoy the kids and just soak in the sun and atmosphere with them, and then snuggling on the hillside as a family in the dark. We also had a great time at our friends housewarming party, and I was elated to see so many faces that we just don't get to see often anymore. Life is passing us by and it's passing quickly. People that I once saw several times a week, or at least every few weeks I now only see once/twice a year if I'm lucky. I miss so much about their lives, which is why I LOVE facebook because although Jason differs in his philosophies about friendship, once you are a friend to me, or I care about you in anyway I have a tough time letting you go, even if I should.
It seems since Charlotte was born, or Charlotte's been sick her illness has CONSUMED every ounce of my being to the point that lately I'm just sick of myself. It's all I think about, it's all I talk about. I tell strangers in the grocery store, yesterday a guy I was talking to while we pushed our girls on the swings at the park. Anyone who will listen I hear myself telling them and everytime I think "what in the hell am I doing, they don't care". The whole world doesn't need to know that my baby girl is sick, that she might need a heart transplant, that it's changed me along with it. I have allowed it to make me into a better person but also used it as a means to self destruct in some ways. It rules almost every decision I make, go to the park "only if it's a short trip because Charlotte might get overheated", go on vacation "only if Charlotte seems perfect and I know where a hospital is at all times", sign her (or the others kids for that matter) up for extracurricular activities "well what if she gets exposed to germs and ends up not being able to fight some infection", "or something happens and I'm not there". It's overwhelming, it's frustrating, and the worst part is these thoughts, this sick of myselfness will never go away. Life can never rewind to the time when everything felt safe, when we had no real worries, when everything seemed so promising.
I remember in my mid-20's I went through a phase where I felt like I just had too many people in my life and I needed to let some of them go. Whether they were too negative, didn't learn their lessons, we just grew apart, whatever it may be I was becoming overwhelmed with everyone else's problems because as Jason would say I have a bad habit of taking their worries, and cares onto myself. Now here I am in my
30's and I feel like I've become that very person to a lot of people. The one whose always down, or negative, the one who can't pull herself away from what surrounds her. Charlotte getting sick has changed SO much of my thought process, granted I am still very much "ME" the way I think about almost all aspects of life has changed. The way I raise my kids has changed, and I can't guarantee that they are the better for it. The way I approach Jason and I's life is somewhat different, and again better or worse only time will decide.
Her getting sick has also forced me to grasp on to life lines that I shouldn't have. What I wrote over the winter was so true to my heart, I have been grabbing for branches, whether it be food, school, wine, money, writing, or people who have no idea that I am using them as branches (and quite possibly didn't intend on being them for me), it doesn't matter one by one I've been holding on for dear life unable to let them go. As I do, slowly try and regain control over things, or let people go I feel the same hurt that I had these first years flooding back over me and I'm not sure what to replace it with. I'm not sure how to survive all of this without them, these things saved me from myself, they became my friends. Its like replacing a pack of cigarettes that I used to love with something else to try and continue that feeling of having a best friend. I know that sounds ridiculous but to anyone whose been an addict to nicotine they'll understand what I mean. You need a new fix when things get tough, when you're feeling sad, in danger or disappointed.
I'm not sure where I'll go from here, I know I won't give up school, or wine, or writing, and knowing me I'll pick up some more people along the way some to keep and treasure and some to let go of. I just hope I'll also along the way find safety again, time to worry about the stupid stuff:) I know I'll continue using my sick of myselfness to spread the word of the #1 killer of children, and the massive need for organ donors. I know I will focus on becoming a great nurse to other kids like Charley. The light is definitely shining more brightly on the future, but for tonight I have some tears to shed for the things I'm going to try and let go of.
