3 years ago today!! 

After counting Charlotte's breath earlier in the day April 24th of 2009, and riding in an ambulance down to Childrens hospital, completely clueless as to what our local ER feared and why they sent her down. Late that evening I watched her echo and w/out any medical training knew it was bad.  The cardiologist barely spoke english and we couldn't understand her that well, however I knew she was saying my baby might not make it.  I heard the words "there is no fix", "there are options".  I heard ICU, transplant, and within a few hours we were waiting to see if she would make it through the night w/out extra support.  Dr. Mastropietro was in complete surprise the next morning that she'd made it through the night on her own.  Day 1 of many lessons my daughter has taught me; what it really means to be strong.

No 11 days since then, or before then have challenged me so much.  Nothing before or since has changed me, or my life so much and I imagine Jason feels the same.  The word 'heart' was added to my 'mom' and from that day on I will always be a 'heart mom'.  I didn't really grasp it until another mother sort of welcomed me into the club when her daughter was one of Charlotte's roommates.  I had thought she was kind of rough on the doctors, but from then on realized I really was part of the club she was discussing. Assuming Charlotte survived that is.

  Everyday since those days in the ICU have been gifts.  All different kinds of gifts, some, really hard gifts, but also many more empowering ones.  I still cry a lot from fear of what our future holds, or the loss of a child who while they aren't mine, are just as meaningful to me.  My mind still wanders to places of absolute dread, and then back again to absolute belief that I will not lose my daughter, all in a matter of two seconds.  I have been fiercely angry, fiercely terrified, fiercely guilty, fiercely overwhelmed with emotion, and fiercely sorry for my inadequacies.  This is lonely, extremely lonely, and by far the most soul searching experience of my life in trying to learn how to cope with the massiveness of her heart inside her little body, loving her so and the thought of losing her still.   

Charlotte being here is a gift!!  I appreciate every giggle, every smile, and every bear hug I get.  She is the BEST HUGGER on the planet.  I appreciate her bossing us around and growling at me when she doesn't like what I'm telling her to do.  I love watching her harass her big brother, and him giggling and enticing her to wrestle with him.  I adore the relationship she and Alaina have, it almost makes me cry everyday when Alaina asks her for a big hug when she walks in from school.  Partly because their age difference gives them a sisterly advantage, and partly because I hate to think what happens to our family if she is no longer here.  She is a puzzle piece that can not be replaced.   

Its like every moment of our lives is a still shot and I stand here and revel in it all.  I am so grateful for my husband, the friends, and my family who put up with me, love me still even with all of my intensity.

 I cried several times today thinking of that initial time in the ICU. 

 Jacob makes his first communion this weekend and 3 years ago Alaina was making her's.  Jason and I were literally only home for the ceremony while my aunt Jeanie held Charlotte in the hospital the entire time we were gone.  My cousins took Alaina to the art show where her art was on display, then got her ready for First Communion, bought her shoes and socks.  They did her hair.  My aunt Barbara cleaned the house for the party that we were supposed to have and got her a cake.  Jeanie struggled to try and get Charlotte to eat and stop the doctors from putting in a feeding tube while we were gone.  Alaina looked up at me halfway through what was supposed to be her big day and said "Mom I know you can't stop crying".  I tried so hard to hold myself together but I was a mess.  I NEVER could've kept Alaina and Jake stable through that experience without my family.  My dad was literally Mr. Mom for the kids, and my own Mom slept in a chair at the hospital in the middle of the night to give me a couple of hours of sleep while alternating helping my Dad take care of things at our house.  It must've been so rough on everyone, and they never complained (well not to me at least).  I am so blessed that I never left Charlotte's side other than those few hours. 

So tonight I just sit here again in awe and silence of how far we've come.  It is a struggle, and as most of you know I am still learning how to cope and handle it all.  School has definitely helped, Zumba and the eliptical are saviors, and many special people who probably think I have lost my mind most of the time but still let me into their lives, you all mean the world to me.  Thank you to all of you for keeping me sane (well mostly;), for smacking me around when I get too negative, and for continuing to love us even when we might not always be on top of loving you back:) 

Happy 3rd year survival baby girl!!  You, your sister and brother are the light of Dad and I's lives:)  Keep praying our Charley girl stays on the straight path!!