Family Update

It appears Fall is upon us, and although some people are not too happy about it, I welcome it with excitement. Fall is definitely my favorite time of year, I can't wait to start hitting the apple orchards, and pumpkin picking. With every year Charley is here and growing it becomes even more fun, knowing this year she'll understand it a little more than last. Getting the kids dressed up for Halloween, and celebrating her second birthday. Just typing the words "second birthday" brings tears to my eyes. I love these times in our life, when the kids are young and as excited as we are to discover it all. Winter is my second favorite and I can't wait for her to see our house decorated and the Christmas tree, and presents. Taking the kids sledding, and ice skating on our mini rink. I revel in all of it:)

Alaina started fourth grade, and Jacob first on Wednesday. Alaina was super excited that she got the teacher she wanted, and her BFF Joanne is in her class. Jake although a little nervous had a great day, and has one of his favorite guys in his class too. There was only one hiccup with Alaina missing the bus after school. I watched the bus driver close the door and drive away thinking "what the heck"? Jake and Alaina's friend Claire were in a panic as Alaina and our neighbor Richard never got on the bus. So I checked my cell phone and sure enough the school had called, several students missed their busses so I went and picked her and Richard up. I could tell she thought about crying but held it together and was relieved to be rescued:)

Charlotte did very well too, I could tell when the kids got on the bus in the morning she was a little peeved about it but didn't cry. She did walk around the house several times throughout the day calling "aina" (aka Alaina), "akey" (aka Jakey). She was very happy to be dragged around though to the store and playing with me one on one. It's always amazing how once the school year starts everyone just jumps back into routines that we completely abandoned all summer, albeit the first few weeks are tiresome while adjusting.

Charley is hilarious, absolutely hilarious. I realize that all two year olds are quirky and funny little things but she by far is the silliest and most expressive of our three children. I liken her to a little boss walking around here, she forces Alaina and Jake to lay down on a pillow, she'll cover them up and sing "nap time, go to sleep" from a well loved Yo Gabba Gabba epsiode. If they are not around to be her puppets, any grandma/grandpa, mom/dad, babysitter will do. She can talk quite well and if you don't understand what she says, it is easily figured whether she's ticked off, frustrated, ecstatic or annoyed by the face she makes. She is very good at rolling her eyes at us, or furrowed brows to show her disdain for your idea that is not in agreeance with her own. She also will walk up behind you and hug your leg randomly, or run with open arms for a hug. She has to "ug" everyone before bed, and sings the "I love you" song from Barney constantly. I suppose like most toddlers she is a web of emotions whether up or down, and temper tantrums are plenty but she also has TONS of lovin to give and is complimented constantly on her happy demeanor.

Because Alaina and Jake are so much older she already does things most two year olds wouldn't do like using a normal swing instead of a baby seat one. She puts her baby to bed, and nap time;), or feeds it and pushes it around in her stroller. Just little things, like reading her books, doing puzzles, or shape sorting but to us they make her seem more mature. I will post some video soon of her swinging, singing, and reading with us. She is such a character and I am just soo incredibly blessed to have had this time to get to know her. No matter how much time we're given she will definitely not lack a voice in our family, or place in our hearts. Her face and attitude draw attention from everyone she meets.

I recently scheduled Charlotte's next heart catheterization. It will be on October 15th, it's first thing in the morning, I think 6:00am. I always get nervous of course just to see what the results are but as she gets older I worry about how she will react to it all. When the questions will start, I already see her wincing a little during her meds and daily aspirin. She is such a smartie pants I can almost hear by her facial expressions her asking "why the hell do I do this but aina and akey don't":) I know we'll handle it all and keep moving forward but it's hard, just HARD to not be able to plan for a future. To just truly live for today as much as possible.

I have been trying to be more even keeled, focusing on the positives, and not telling the whole world every detail, but even not writing for this last month and keeping my thoughts between myself and a journal have made me feel not quite myself. I explained to Jason that there have been times over the last two months where I felt like Ashley Judd's character in the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Granted I am not an alcoholic or hooked on prescription meds but have been driving by myself and felt the urge to just keep going. To run away from life, even for a fews days. Sometimes it feels like someone else might handle my life better, be a better mother, a better wife, daughter or friend. Maybe someone else could get over herself and not mourn for every happy, sad, exciting, momentous event as if it might be the last.

I get upset that no one understands what this feels like to guide me through, and guilty to have these feelings when so many others have it worse off, or have lost their children. There is no one to really talk to and this blog is my way of talking without actually telling you. I'm too embarassed to actually speak these things in person. To all of you who see me on a regular basis, I'm sure I talk about it constantly, sometimes I'll be with friends or family and think "why can't I just shut the hell up", "why does every little thing have to relate to MY life now"? I know people are going to get sick of it, and yet even with how much I talk about it, just so all of you know and can maybe forgive me, I am not REALLY talking about it. It's simple statements to get me by but this is where I write all of my real, true and ridiculous, overanalytic thoughts. In turn I hope it tells what really goes on in my crazy head, with a child's disease like this. I am trying to be normal, I really am.

Your feedback and comments keep me going, and I guess my ego needs those things. I'm sorry I can't be stronger, and muddle through privately.. I hope everyone knows I think of you all often, will get our thank you notes out soon from the fundraiser, and pray for you everyday.