Charley is 3 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I came home late and as I made my usual rounds to the kids bedrooms before going to sleep I stood just a little longer at Charley. I watch her breathing almost every night, I listen to her heart and count beats, listen for gallops/sounds that weren't there before. Last night I did neither I just watched her, curled up in her little bed, blankets hugged to her face. She looked peaceful, she's nice and sweet when she sleeps;) lol. She looked healthy, perfectly pink in the moonlight, I didn't see the usual casts of grey undertones, or bluish that I notice during the day at certain times.
I tried last night to look at her like a normal Mom gets to look at their child, the Mom I was before she entered my life. No worries of them not waking up in the morning because their heart gave out. No worries of whether another child might become affected at some point. No worries of how long we'll get to have her (or the others for that matter). I tried to look at her and think "what college will she choose", "what will she want to be when she grows up". Will she love to dance, be well liked, will she get good grades and have lots of friends. These are the things that normal Moms get to consume their thoughts with, it kind of makes me jealous.
Last night as I stood there I realized, I don't care about any of that. Of course as she grows up there will be these worries, but I don't have the luxury of thinking that far ahead anymore. If there is one thing I have lost, or gained depending, it is the inability to think ahead too far. I can still make long term plans but with the knowledge that whatever it is comes with an automatic 'well maybe' claus. It really takes the pressure off life to know that no matter how big the plan is, it's okay for it to not work out the way it was intended. I used to spend so much time and stressful energy on things working out perfectly. If it didn't go perfectly then it let someone down, they would be mad at me, or I was late, or the day was a failure. Now I realize that most of the time when someone lets me down, or makes me late it's still annoying but it's not the end of the world and I never hold it against them and most likely they don't hold it against me because life just happens out of our control somedays and all we can do is try. Just keep trying 'Pressure off':)
I don't have the luxury of wondering the 'who' and 'what' my kids will be because quite frankly I'm just happy they're here at all. Do I expect them to be successful and try their best, absolutely. Will I encourage them, yes. Will I push them to directions they don't want to go, or feel they are failures if they don't live up to my expectations 'No'. I can just love them without putting boundaries on them, and they can know that unconditionally I will always be here for them.
I don't have the luxury of judging anyone because I don't know what they are going through in their lives, or what made them be a certain way. I think it easy for others to judge me, my opinions have changed quite drastically, I have been called ridiculous, dramatic, The jerk at the grocery store who is taking an extra 10 minutes arguing about coupons, he's a money saver, or he lost his job and has to be that way. I don't need to waste energy or stress about someone, even if they are inconveniencing me because I have no idea what they are struggling with that day. So I either try to help them which might move them along quicker, or just smile at them so they feel safe (and yes occasionally I still lose my cool ;) I'm still me
In some ways celebrating Charlotte's 3rd birthday today reminds me of how freeing having her in my life has been. I am not afraid of too many things anymore because she has taught me to just live,
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