Summer's Over

It's official, starting Wednesday our summer is over. School starts for Alaina and Jake Wednesday and Charley's Meet n Greet for preschool is Thursday. We had an awesome summer, thinking back on it all of the things that I wrote in my last blog about longing to feel safe again are closer than they've seemed in a very long time, or maybe I'm just dealing with things better.

Every night as I dose out Charley's meds I think of how this new set of rules, and adaptations can never be forgotten. Life won't ever truly be 'safe' again, I won't ever be able to completely return to my rose colored glasses but honestly I wouldn't want too either. It's not that I feel 'better' than anyone else but I look around with a much clearer vision about the things in life that are important, and although I still 'want', I am much more apt to take a breath of fresh air and 'wait'. I consistently am watchful of those around me who are impatient, unkind, selfish, judgemental, whiny, or acting out of hatefulness rather than loving acceptance. It kind of pisses me off, ten times a day I want to tell someone our story, or the story of the kids we've lost recently, or the one's who've been saved by the most selfless act on earth 'organ donation'. I want to shake them into just calming the hell down, taking a breath, and listening to what someone else is 'REALLY' trying to say instead of what they 'THINK' the person is saying. It's because of this I realized why it is that I can't shut up about Charlotte. I can't stop myself from being annoying because the message is so substantial, it almost feels like if we don't keep spreading it the world will eat itself alive. The problem is that most definitely, like my own personality, most people do not like being told what to do, and I suppose in my own way these feelings are my own form of being judgemental toward others. I will never give up being judgemental entirely because my evil side has too much fun with it, and of course I still have lots of work to do in my own regard but if we could all just get over ourselves I think we'd see things clearer than ever before;)

I started walking, and doing Zumba over the last few weeks, and I have to admit I think it has helped with my moodiness and overwhelming sense of pressure immensely. More than I ever believed exercising could. On days I don't at least go for a walk I can feel the tension returning and my mind going to the darker places it's remained at for far too long. The other day I took Charley out and went for a walk, Jacob wanted to join so I let him ride his bike. It was really nice watching how he's grown, he doesn't need resting breaks, he can cross the streets a little more safely. And up until he disappeared from my sight scaring the hell out of me for fifteen minutes I felt nostalgic thinking of how big the kids are getting, how easier they are in some ways to take care of. They are changing in big ways especially Alaina. She's turning into a pre-teen right before our eyes, beautiful inside and out but with a little more sass. She's more intrigued than ever in our adult conversations, more opinionated. Two years ago I felt like life for us was over, there was no enjoying every minute, no taking a deep breath and soaking it all in. That is definitely the sense I have gained the most throughout this experience. I can be teasing the kids, watching Jason outside making our world more beautiful like he always does, with mine/Jason families laughing, or whooping it up with our friends and just feel like heaven surrounds us. That feeling has been so randomn these last few years, reserved for the really reflective days. Maybe it's that fall is coming, my favorite season by far. Maybe it's the endorphins from my new health kick, maybe it's letting go of things that were hurting me more than helping. I don't know if it was my keeping it out, or if God just let me be for awhile, I never felt without heaven's presence, but we are truly blessed with so many special and unique people in our lives.

We had a great time this summer going to Traverse City with my parents and brother for a week. The kids just played on the beach and swam all day, we visited with some relatives which is always nice. Jason and I were able to indulge in our favorite annual traditions of girls and guys weekends at our friend Lauri's cottage. We camped at Jellystone in Silver Lake with my whole family and drove our truck out on the dunes to Lake Michigan. My cousins Heather and Dave with their girls were with us and the kids had a great time. We had some major torrential downpours and thunderstorms one night which wasn't great but while Jason fell asleep with the kids my cousins, brother and I had a great time partying to the storm;)

My friends from California the other 'Smith family' were home and their girls and my kids have no recollection that it has been years since they saw each other. They instantly took up where they left off and we had lots of fun on the beach back home and going to Chuckie Cheese. Charley is still talking about it months later.

We attended an event I have been wanting to do for two years now, the Children's Health Night benefitting the Childrens Health Fund for the hospital. The Tigers won and we got to see Papa Grande pitch whom I love!! It was a double bonus night out enjoying the Tigs, and helping a great cause. Doesn't get much better than that.

So while I have continued to battle feelings of the unknown, fear and sadness for what my fellow heart families are going through we definitely made the best of this summer. We stayed busy, we spent lots of time with friends and family, and all of the kids remained healthy and happy. Despite the normal yelling, fighting, tattling, and teaching their baby sister all things inappropriate for a two year old to say and do;) lol. Charley is a constant comedian. She loves everything and everyone as long as it all goes down her way. She is bossy as can be, and makes her opinion decidely known in every situation. She absorbs the fun and vibrance of every situation, and even when she is 'yelling' at us, or 'telling' us what to do it is extremely hard not to crack up at everything she says and does. I am so excited for her to start school, so sad at the same time that I can't control every move she makes for those few hours. I worry that she will push herself too hard to keep up with the other kids, or that there will be an emergency and they won't handle it correctly. I will probably walk out and ball in my car with nerves, and I worry that she will get kicked out for her sassy attitude. I do know however that I adore her teacher, she has had all of the kids at some point and follows Charley's health story. That brings a small comfort in knowing her and I can work together:)

Tomorrow we have a clinic appointment and probably the minute I hit 'post' on this blog I will be worrying about what tomorrow will or won't bring. Alaina is scheduled for an echo and Charley a regular clinic visit with Dr. L'ecuyer but I don't see any signs or have any concerns that she isn't doing well right now. I suspect Dr. L'ecuyer will agree paring any unforseen things like a weight loss which would be hard to fathom as she seems to have grown like a weed this summer. So I will update again tomorrow but for now goodnight:)