Kindergarten Roundup= YIKES

There are many things happening in the Smith house.  So many wonderful and exciting things.  We are adopting a puppy, a Bernese Mtn Dog puppy we named Ellie.  To say that we are excited is an understatement, we are literally counting down the days until her arrival.  Alaina just had her first band concert, she's auditioning in her schools talent show, won a solo in choir and has her first babysitting job this week.  Jacob is playing soccer three times a week, is a grade level above where he needs to be with reading and most likely will test for advanced math placement.  The kids are growing up and I realize now more than ever how important it was to spend as much time with them as I possibly could when they were little.  I am so glad Jason and I made the choices we did, the small sacrifices we made so that I could be here.  

Jason and I are celebrating 15 years of being hitched this summer.  We are discussing renewing our vows because well, it seems maybe we have forgotten a few things over the last few years.  It's strange how things have worked out for us.  We hate it when so often our words start out "when Charlotte got sick", or how we often have to remind ourselves that maybe things that have taken place between us were because our marriage that used to be great at giving "100%" became one of giving "0%".  I don't think either of us really understood the toll this scary, trying disease had taken on us personally.  We were so busy trying to process all that was going on in our lives, and our emotions about those things that I truly feel we had nothing left to give to each other.  Everyone, and everything else took precedent and when we didn't have all of that we were left trying to deal with it all on our own.  It's been a rough few years, and I know that we may face rough times ahead.  In all aspects of our lives, not just the cardiomyopathy one.  I think we are both ready to stop standing still, to stop looking back and instead start focusing on the future.  As much as living day to day can allow anyway.  With cardiomyopathy in the family you can plan for the future but always have to understand that things can change at anytime.  I look at Charley now thriving and growing so brightly at 4 years old and feel incredibly blessed by God, blessed by modern medicine, and blessed by everyone who prays for her and supports us.

Tonight I am going to Kindergarten round up for her..  The cut off date has changed here but she can still get in because her birthday is so close, assuming she passes the testing.  My working my butt off these last few years in school to apply for the nursing program were all riding on her attending kindergarten next fall, while I attended to my nursing education..  

Today I was thinking about how nervous I was for Alaina entering kindergarten.  She was not the outgoing, take charge kid she is now back then.  She was very shy, and often I would get upset that she'd take the backseat to any involvement or attention.  Then there was the bus riding, whether her teacher would grow her etc.. By the time Jake went to kindergarten I had no fears about his education or personal/social growth. Alaina had been at his school, would be on his bus, and he had one year of preschool there so he was already very comfortable with the staff and building.  

Charlotte is a whole different ball game.  I have found myself worrying already about her entrance into the real world;)  As it was when we brought her home the second time from the hospital is now, that the rules that apply to most third children do not apply to her.  The rule book I had started reading from was set ablaze after her diagnosis, and it's like having our first child all over again.  The rules are all new, or changed and I have no idea what to expect. 

I don't know if she'll have the stamina to go through a full day of class as she does tire more easily than healthy kids her age.  I don't know if she'll get a diagnosis of turrets syndrome to go along with her dilated cardiomyopathy if she's still twitchy this summer when they will reevaluate her.  I worry about her pushing herself to far, about whether an AED will be near enough to her at all times.  It's terrifying to think that she will be out of my presence for twice as long as she is now at preschool, and that I can't access her at anytime to check on her.  I have to figure out a medical 504, or IEP or whatever the hell the requirements are she will need.  I will need to educate every single person that comes in contact with her of what to watch out for, what her diagnosis means, and develop a plan with them for any emergency that might arise, etc..  

As you can see I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole business.  I'm sure her appointment tomorrow isn't helping as we're meeting the new doctor that took Dr. L'ecuyer's place.  I know it will all work out but I needed to vent for a few minutes.  I feel like all of the confidence I had as a mom to three, has been sucked out of me.  I am now the mom of two, and a special needs child.  It's a very different life we're living now than when Alaina and Jake started kindergarten.  I know we'll face whatever comes our way.  We're Smith's, and if life was easy well,  we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves.  :)